A story of Grace

Today I realized that it has been over 2 years since I posted! It was amazing going back and reading some of the things I was writing about then and realizing how God has answered prayers for us in a MIGHTY way over the last 2 years. :)

We have since moved home, started new jobs, bought a house and adopted 2 children! I'd say all of those things are pretty significant!
Justin works as a supervisor at a Metal Fabrication shop and I am back in my element at Yell County Special Services Center. I'm sure that most of you who read this blog know the details of our lives on a pretty much daily basis so I'm not going to bore you with every tiny detail. What I am going to do though is walk you through a journey of grace and let you in to some inner details that not many people see on Facebook.

I remember clearly the day they arrived. I received the call around noon that day. I knew the DHS number and answered thinking that they were confirming our first visit for that coming Friday. We were scheduled to meet them at a McDonalds and lay eyes on our future for the very first time. I was so anxious for that day! I was literally counting down the seconds! Of course, I answered eagerly, but to my surprise I did not get the call I was anticipating, instead our Adoption Specialist said that some things had changed with their current placement and they needed to be moved today (this was Wednesday.) She then said, we'll be there around 4:00 if that is okay with you. Are you ready for them today?  I forced out a crackled yes and then our conversation ended.

I just sat in disbelief with tears streaming down my face. It was like electricity was running through my body. The day I had waited for was finally here. The day I became a mother. My co-worker Kelli had to snap me back into reality. She said "Breath.", so I did. Then she said "Call your husband", so I did. I'm pretty sure his reaction was the same. We both left work early that day and headed home to get things in order. We didn't even know how to prepare for what was coming. Tears streamed down my face for hours it seemed. I was so worried, not for me, but for them. Would they be scared? Would they sleep that night? Would they cry and not want to stay? Would they ask for their mom or former foster mom? What would I say to comfort them? Did they even want to be adopted?

We waited for what seemed like days for that DHS car to pull up. I literally sat on the couch and watched out the window for them to arrive! When it pulled down the driveway my stomach sank to my toes. Here it was, the moment I had dreamed about. Then popped out two, beautiful, blond headed babies. Our Abby was all smiles, she said "Where is my new room?" she also was excited about our dogs! Braden toddled around and didn't seem to be in any distress either. I was shocked, amazed and relieved! Once they were settled the DHS workers said they were leaving. I remember watching them drive away thinking "I am now responsible for these children".

Everyone asks me about our adjustment phase and my answer is always the same, "It has been nothing short of miraculous." Only God could have made all of this work together the way it has. However, we all face insecurities from time to time. Every once in a while Abby will bring up her biological parents or her previous foster parents and I can tell that it makes her sad that she can't see them anymore. I wish I could say that I'm the perfect adoptive parent and that I don't get jealous but that would be a lie. It's a lot less frequent than in the beginning, but it happens. She has these memories that I will never be apart of. A life, long before I knew she existed. I fear that someday she will say those dreaded words "You're not my real mom" or "I wish I lived with________". It's bound to happen I'm sure. That is just part of our reality and let's face it, part of raising a strong-willed girl!

I try very hard not to have negative feelings about their biological parents and their previous foster parents. I have no idea if that is normal or not, but it's very hard to overcome. I went through a phase where I would get angry inside when she talked about them. I will be completely honest, the previous foster parents were harder for me to hear about than her biological parents. I never dreamed that would be so! I think I was jealous of them maybe. I was jealous that they called the foster moms by mom. I was jealous that they got to be with Braden when he was just a baby and watched him take his first steps and say his first word. As time goes on though, I am thankful for them. I am so glad they had safe places to live and people that cared for them and loved them. They learned manners and were taught about Jesus and his love for them. God showed me that He had them strategically placed in certain homes until they came HOME.

Another challenge that we faced was connecting. Braden was a little detached at first. It took him a good couple of weeks and once he attached, he attached to me with full force! So much so that he would not hardly go to Justin. It literally broke my heart. He would wake up in the night crying for me and if Justin went in there he would scream at the top of his lungs. It was one of the hardest things to watch my husband go through. It was breaking his heart and he did not understand why he didn't want him. It took months before he finally warmed up to him. He still prefers me when he is tired or hurt, but I believe that is just normal for a 2 year old boy. Abby on the other hand gravitated towards Justin. She naturally gravitates towards men anyways, so it did not surprise me when she connected with him the way she did. She had no boundaries when it came to strangers and especially men. I am so thankful that has improved, but I believe it's because she finally has a daddy that is as crazy about her as she is him. I have had a harder time connecting with her. We have to watch her so closely because of her issues with boundaries that I catch myself constantly in discipline mode. I have to purposefully plan outings for just the two of us to show her that I can have fun and do love her very much. I think that is sometimes a struggle for every mom because we feel like we are always the bad guy. Now I will say that Justin is great about stepping in and being a disciplinarian, but I tend to be the primary disciplinarian just because of the extra time that I spend with them.

I say all that to say this....Adoption is hard. Sometimes it is a struggle and you miss the life you had before. I do not think I'm wrong in saying that every single parent, whether biological or adoptive has moments where they think "This is HARD!" or "Remember what it was like before kids?", BUT, I would not change one single second of this life. As much as it's hard, it is leaps and bounds more so happy, exciting and worth it all! I am so thankful that God allowed me to see past myself and choose to be a mommy to two perfect children who are not made up of my own DNA. Two children who's features do not in any way reflect my own. Two children who have a lived a life that I only know bits and pieces about. My promise to God is this.,..I will love them fiercely. I will protect them to the best of my ability against any evil that may come their way. I will strive daily to show them, through my own actions, to have good morals and to love God with all of their heart, soul and mind. I will seek forgiveness from them when I have done wrong so that they know how to forgive others. I will love other people, including the people who have hurt them or done wrong by them so that they know that God is love and He calls us to love people, even when their actions don't deserve love. I will teach them to respect themselves and to respect other people by being a good wife to their daddy and respecting him. I will teach them to pray and to read the word because they will be facing challenges in the years to come that I never faced as a child or young adult.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to be not just a mother, but Abby and Braden's mother. Every tear, every prayer, every sleepless night, every heartache was worth it. I can never repay you for this blessing. Help me to be the mommy that they deserve.

Home

Time is flying! Tomorrow the moving company comes to look at our stuff, I guess to get an idea of what we have. On the 21st and 22nd they are coming to pack the house. Then on the 25th they will load everything. This is going to be a new experience for us. The last time we moved we did it ourselves and got paid for it. It was NOT worth the money!! We got about $3000 but it was so much work! Since Justin won't be coming with me this time we decided it would be best to let the Navy move us. It's going to be weird because you aren't allowed to pack anything yourself. If you do they unpack it and repack it. I feel like I should be up to my ears in boxes right now. It gives me a worried feeling, like I'm not getting things done! (This is not good as I have been worrying a lot lately!)

I will start my new job at Yell county special service center 3 weeks from today. I'm excited to go back! I will be in a different position than I was before. This time I will be the Medicaid waiver coordinator. I believe I'll really enjoy it!!

We will be living in Dardanelle. My cousin has a house there that she so graciously is letting us rent! We thought this was a good neutral place since we are still unsure about Justin's job situation. We are praying and believing he will find a good job quickly!

The next four months will be difficult. We haven't been apart in 3 years!! We have been spoiled on shore duty! But this move was the best choice for our future. A few hard months will ensure some security for us, in case a job doesn't come open right away for him.

I have to admit I've been a wave of emotions. I am excited, sad and scared all at once! I have really had to seek the Lord and pray for peace!! We have had a lot going on with or rent house in Florida that has added even more worry. I am so excited to be moving home. We have waited for this for 6 years!! I am sad to be away from Justin. And most of all, I am scared about him finding a good job. I know a lot if people don't understand why he would get out. Please just know we have prayed about this and our decision is a Godly one. Even if you were in the service 15 to 30 years ago you wouldn't understand. Budget cuts and down sizing has caused a very unstable military and his hob wasn't as safe as people believe.

We covet your prayers!! Specifically: Justin to find a place to stay in VA during this time, for both if us as we are separated, for a job to come open for him quickly, for me as I have been very worried about the move and Justin finding a job and safe travels for my mom and I as we make our way to Arkansas on the 1st. Oh, and for my antiques as they are being moved...I have had anxiety about someone else moving them!

LIFE...everchanging!

Hi family and friends!! Christmas is around the corner! This also means that the new year is also coming up on us very quickly. I am so excited about 2013. Actually I have been waiting for 2013 for the last 5 1/2 years!! This is the year we get to come home! Justin will be getting out of the Navy and transitioning to the civilian world in just 8 short months! We are praying and expecting for God to do great things in our lives! We are believing for a good job that will provide for our family. I have already secured a job in which I will be returning home to begin the first of March!! Yes, that will mean that I have to be away from my sweet husband for about 5 months, but we will plan plenty of weekend visits, Skype dates and of course we'll get to talk on the phone. It's not like we haven't done it before...right!? Okay, I am a little sad about this, but it's the best thing for us and our future. It'll be a load off of our shoulders to know that I have a secure job while he is searching for one.

I know a lot of you have been following along with our journey to grow our family. I am so very thankful for the many prayers and kind words that so many of you have given to us through the last 5+ years while we were doing fertility treatments. We have prayed and God has shown us that it's time to move on. We have done all that we felt was right for the last 5 years in using the resources God has given us through the military and our insurance. We are both at complete peace about not going any further into treatments. This is the first time either of us have ever felt at peace about it. Usually we would both have the "what if" question lingering, but it's just no longer there. We know that God is preparing us for something much bigger than we ever expected. After we decided we would not pursue treatments anymore, I asked Justin what he thought our next step should be. I asked if we should adopt domestically or internationally. He simply said, "I want to foster to adopt." I almost fainted! We have talked about it before, and I have always had a heart for it, but he always said no because we would get too attached and he thought it would be really hard on us. However, we never really thought seriously about adopting from foster care, only being foster parents. We have done lots of research since then and with the encouragement of my amazing cousin Haley we have come to be very passionate about it! Did you know that there are over 300 children in Arkansas under the age of 5 in foster care? That makes my head spin and my heart hurt! There are about 1000 from 0-18 in the system but homes for not quite half of them. God has given us a burden and we are now driven to grow our family by loving children who desperately want a loving family. We plan on going through an organization called The C.A.L.L. which is a Christian based organization. We covet your prayers and support as we move forward in what we believe is a calling from the Lord on our lives.

We love you all and are so anxious to get HOME! Looking forward to spending our lives with our family and friends! :)

5 years later......

I used to dream about the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I would sit in my room and write in my journal begging and pleading with the Lord to bring me my prince charming. I have always been a hopeless romantic. I felt like I waited and waited and waited and waited and it seemed like it was never going to happen and I would never find the man of my dreams. The truth is, I didn't find the man of my dreams because the man in my dreams didn't even compare in any way to the man God had planned for me.
5 years ago this Saturday I walked down an isle and married the most wonderful man I've ever met. I can't believe that we  have spent 5 years together. Time sure flies when your having a good time! I know some people would look at our life and say "what a shame" or "poor Justin and Melissa" because things in our life haven't gone just as we planned. 5 years ago we surely thought we would be parents before this celebration came but God had a different plan. And even though it wasn't "our" plan and wasn't what we wanted, it's worked out pretty darn good. We have had the privilege of building a sound, wonderful marriage with just the two of us. We have had so many great adventures together and have enjoyed every last minute.
Although the desire to be parents is such a deep, incredible passion of ours, one we believe God will grant us when He so chooses, we also know that if we never parent a child our life is still amazing and far better than either of us ever thought possible. I'm so thankful for the last 5 years and I'm looking forward to the rest of our years together. Justin is my sweetest dream and I'm so thankful that God chose me to be his bride. I don't know how I ever deserved such an amazing gift. :) I can feel God's love for me so strongly when I think about it though. He saved his very best for me and I'm so humbled by that. God knew exactly what I needed when I didn't have a clue. And 5 years later......We are more in love than we've ever been, we are happier than we've ever been and we are far more blessed  than we know!

Post op Post!

Well the surgery is over and I'm home resting. Everything went great! They removed 2 cysts and also my bowels were glued to something else so she fixed that. They didn't get to do the ovarian drilling bc she was afraid my bowel would stick to them. She didn't mention any endometriosis to Justin but she did say adhesions which is the same from what I've read. But I'll ask her when she calls me Monday. I'm a little bummed we couldn't do the drilling. This was the main reason for the surgery.
Anyhow, right now I'm feeling great! I'm not sore at all but I know that could change tomorrow! :) anyways just wanted to give an update. Here are the pics if anyone is interested!

Pre op post!

Friday is the big day......surgery! I am somewhat nervous but I know I'll be in good hands. My doctor is awesome! She spent 45 minutes with me at my pre op appt. Answering every single question I had. Now I have to say that the surgery itself doesn't bother me too bad. I've had several friends that have had this exact surgery and have all lived to tell about it. :) However being put to sleep is the part that's making me nervous! My dr. Told me my throat would be sore from the breathing tube......wait, WHAT!? A breathing tube!? She said it's because they will fill my belly with gas that could make it hard for me to breath. This will just ensure that I breath correctly.
Also on that visit they drew blood. In Thursday I get a call from the dr. Asking me to come in for more blood work. She said my white blood count was elevated to 17.2. (The normal range is 4 to 10) This scared me a little but on Monday when they called and said it had increased again I really freaked! It jumped to 18.2 this time. So what do I do? The one thing I know NOT to do....I goggled it. So then I thought I could have leukemia. Stupid I know but that is just what I do. But I went to my regular dr. And it turns out I just had a viral infection and all is back to normal.
So this surgery will do a few different things. First they are going to remove a pesky cyst that has hung around for several years now. Also they are going to check for and remove any endometriosis. My dr. thinks I could possibly have some and this could be keeping me from getting pregnant. They are also going to do ovarian drilling which to my best understanding is where they drill out the callused parts of my ovaries caused by the PCOS. Most women will ovulate in their own for 6 to 12 months after this procedure. That will be a miracle for me since I have only ovulated on my own maybe 5 times in the last 10 years. She said it should take about 2 1/2 hrs. (Surgery is at noon)
I know that the Lord has his hand in this. I have been quoting and praying scripture over myself and this surgery this week. I know that I dwell in the secret place of the almighty and he will protect me. Please if you read this will you say a prayer of peace for me.
I will post on facebook as soon as I am feeling ok and not loopy. :) I appreciate your prayers not just for this but also for the past few years as we've tried so desperately to start our family. We look forward to the future and our miracle babies whose names and faces the Lord already knows.

Let's Catch Up!

It's been a while since we've caught up! Tons of things have happened since the last time I posted. It's been about 5 months! I'm so terrible at this, but what can I say...it's just  who I am. :)
For starters, I have a new job. I am keeping 2 boys before and after school. They are 11 and 13. They are pretty good for the most part and I usually don't have to do much except for fix them dinner. I only work 4 days a week giving me Fridays off which I love. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to work a normal job again after being so spoiled by staying home and then working this current job!
We went home for Christmas for about 2 weeks. My favorite part of the whole trip was getting to hold my incredibly handsome new baby nephew Hollis. My sister Megan and her husband Jerad had him on November 28th so he was only a few weeks old when we got there. I miss him so much and can't hardly stand the thought that when we see him again he will be about 6 months old!! That is way too long to wait! That is probably the biggest complaint I have about living so far away from our families...we just miss so much!
As of the middle of January we set out to get healthier and loose some weight. I started doing the Body By Vi shakes but so far I haven't stuck with them very well. Instead I just began counting calories which seems to work better for me. I will still have the shakes from time to time as a meal replacement but I'm just not doing them twice a day like I had planned. I have however lost a total of  14 lbs and Justin has lost around 7. We have been trying to go the gym or work out at home everyday. Getting healthier makes you feel so good! We have found a few times, now that we are eating healthier, our belly's can't  take it when we eat something bad. For my birthday we went to this all you can eat seafood place called Captain George's. It was delicious, but I paid for it later. My belly was very, very mad at me! But it made me realize how much better I feel eating healthier, less processed foods! I also known that loosing weight is essential to me getting pregnant. I know that if I loose weight then it will even become possible for me to get pregnant on my own! When praying about getting pregnant I've often asked the Lord "Is there something I need to be doing". More than once I've felt like he's said to loose weight. Not because he can't heal me if I'm fat but I believe more out of obedience. The Lord wants us to be healthy and treat our bodies with respect. The scripture in the Bible that talks about our bodies being temples doesn't just refer to sexual immorality (this is a phrase you hear a lot as a teen when hearing about premarital sex) but also to the foods you put into your body and the condition you let it get into.
So since were on the subject of trying to get pregnant......We did our last fertility treatment this past month. My doctor said that we could do another 3 months but we are just so worn out with it all. We needed this break very badly! When you are constantly month after month doing fertility and worrying about doing everything at the right time it gets a little robotic. It takes the romance and the joy out of what you are doing. I think we began this second process around June so it's been about 7 or 8 months since we began this time. So while we take this much needed break we will also be planning for me to have a laproscopic  surgery on April 6th. They are going to go in to check if I have any endometriosis because that could be the reason I haven't been getting pregnant even though I've been ovulating just fine. Also they are going to do ovarian drilling. It sounds really scary, but from what I've heard it's not so bad. They pretty much go in and scale away at the calloused parts of my ovaries. It's an older technique but one that has proved to work. Something like 80% of women respond positively and are able to get pregnant afterwards! I also have a large cyst that has been there for a while that they are going to remove while they are in there. I'm a little nervous just because I hate surgery and being put under. I've only been put under one other time when I had my wisdom teeth cut out and I woke up crying and blubbering. I kind of hope that doesn't happen this time.  But, it's a pretty simple surgery and it's outpatient so it really shouldn't be too bad. Just an excuse to get pampered for a few days! ;)
The last thing I want to share is the WONDERFUL recipe that is definitely NOT on my diet plan!! ha ha My good friend Rachel Rowe shared this on facebook and they looked delicious! We had a get together last night at my friend Heather's so I thought I would make them for that. They were a little bit incredible! They are from the Pioneer Woman, whom I LOVE! They are called "knock-you-naked brownies" Here is the recipe.....
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/05/knock-you-naked-brownies/