Today I realized that it has been over 2 years since I posted! It was amazing going back and reading some of the things I was writing about then and realizing how God has answered prayers for us in a MIGHTY way over the last 2 years. :)
We have since moved home, started new jobs, bought a house and adopted 2 children! I'd say all of those things are pretty significant!
Justin works as a supervisor at a Metal Fabrication shop and I am back in my element at Yell County Special Services Center. I'm sure that most of you who read this blog know the details of our lives on a pretty much daily basis so I'm not going to bore you with every tiny detail. What I am going to do though is walk you through a journey of grace and let you in to some inner details that not many people see on Facebook.
I remember clearly the day they arrived. I received the call around noon that day. I knew the DHS number and answered thinking that they were confirming our first visit for that coming Friday. We were scheduled to meet them at a McDonalds and lay eyes on our future for the very first time. I was so anxious for that day! I was literally counting down the seconds! Of course, I answered eagerly, but to my surprise I did not get the call I was anticipating, instead our Adoption Specialist said that some things had changed with their current placement and they needed to be moved today (this was Wednesday.) She then said, we'll be there around 4:00 if that is okay with you. Are you ready for them today? I forced out a crackled yes and then our conversation ended.
I just sat in disbelief with tears streaming down my face. It was like electricity was running through my body. The day I had waited for was finally here. The day I became a mother. My co-worker Kelli had to snap me back into reality. She said "Breath.", so I did. Then she said "Call your husband", so I did. I'm pretty sure his reaction was the same. We both left work early that day and headed home to get things in order. We didn't even know how to prepare for what was coming. Tears streamed down my face for hours it seemed. I was so worried, not for me, but for them. Would they be scared? Would they sleep that night? Would they cry and not want to stay? Would they ask for their mom or former foster mom? What would I say to comfort them? Did they even want to be adopted?
We waited for what seemed like days for that DHS car to pull up. I literally sat on the couch and watched out the window for them to arrive! When it pulled down the driveway my stomach sank to my toes. Here it was, the moment I had dreamed about. Then popped out two, beautiful, blond headed babies. Our Abby was all smiles, she said "Where is my new room?" she also was excited about our dogs! Braden toddled around and didn't seem to be in any distress either. I was shocked, amazed and relieved! Once they were settled the DHS workers said they were leaving. I remember watching them drive away thinking "I am now responsible for these children".
Everyone asks me about our adjustment phase and my answer is always the same, "It has been nothing short of miraculous." Only God could have made all of this work together the way it has. However, we all face insecurities from time to time. Every once in a while Abby will bring up her biological parents or her previous foster parents and I can tell that it makes her sad that she can't see them anymore. I wish I could say that I'm the perfect adoptive parent and that I don't get jealous but that would be a lie. It's a lot less frequent than in the beginning, but it happens. She has these memories that I will never be apart of. A life, long before I knew she existed. I fear that someday she will say those dreaded words "You're not my real mom" or "I wish I lived with________". It's bound to happen I'm sure. That is just part of our reality and let's face it, part of raising a strong-willed girl!
I try very hard not to have negative feelings about their biological parents and their previous foster parents. I have no idea if that is normal or not, but it's very hard to overcome. I went through a phase where I would get angry inside when she talked about them. I will be completely honest, the previous foster parents were harder for me to hear about than her biological parents. I never dreamed that would be so! I think I was jealous of them maybe. I was jealous that they called the foster moms by mom. I was jealous that they got to be with Braden when he was just a baby and watched him take his first steps and say his first word. As time goes on though, I am thankful for them. I am so glad they had safe places to live and people that cared for them and loved them. They learned manners and were taught about Jesus and his love for them. God showed me that He had them strategically placed in certain homes until they came HOME.
Another challenge that we faced was connecting. Braden was a little detached at first. It took him a good couple of weeks and once he attached, he attached to me with full force! So much so that he would not hardly go to Justin. It literally broke my heart. He would wake up in the night crying for me and if Justin went in there he would scream at the top of his lungs. It was one of the hardest things to watch my husband go through. It was breaking his heart and he did not understand why he didn't want him. It took months before he finally warmed up to him. He still prefers me when he is tired or hurt, but I believe that is just normal for a 2 year old boy. Abby on the other hand gravitated towards Justin. She naturally gravitates towards men anyways, so it did not surprise me when she connected with him the way she did. She had no boundaries when it came to strangers and especially men. I am so thankful that has improved, but I believe it's because she finally has a daddy that is as crazy about her as she is him. I have had a harder time connecting with her. We have to watch her so closely because of her issues with boundaries that I catch myself constantly in discipline mode. I have to purposefully plan outings for just the two of us to show her that I can have fun and do love her very much. I think that is sometimes a struggle for every mom because we feel like we are always the bad guy. Now I will say that Justin is great about stepping in and being a disciplinarian, but I tend to be the primary disciplinarian just because of the extra time that I spend with them.
I say all that to say this....Adoption is hard. Sometimes it is a struggle and you miss the life you had before. I do not think I'm wrong in saying that every single parent, whether biological or adoptive has moments where they think "This is HARD!" or "Remember what it was like before kids?", BUT, I would not change one single second of this life. As much as it's hard, it is leaps and bounds more so happy, exciting and worth it all! I am so thankful that God allowed me to see past myself and choose to be a mommy to two perfect children who are not made up of my own DNA. Two children who's features do not in any way reflect my own. Two children who have a lived a life that I only know bits and pieces about. My promise to God is this.,..I will love them fiercely. I will protect them to the best of my ability against any evil that may come their way. I will strive daily to show them, through my own actions, to have good morals and to love God with all of their heart, soul and mind. I will seek forgiveness from them when I have done wrong so that they know how to forgive others. I will love other people, including the people who have hurt them or done wrong by them so that they know that God is love and He calls us to love people, even when their actions don't deserve love. I will teach them to respect themselves and to respect other people by being a good wife to their daddy and respecting him. I will teach them to pray and to read the word because they will be facing challenges in the years to come that I never faced as a child or young adult.
Lord, thank you for allowing me to be not just a mother, but Abby and Braden's mother. Every tear, every prayer, every sleepless night, every heartache was worth it. I can never repay you for this blessing. Help me to be the mommy that they deserve.
